Drowning in Honour
by nlblake
Summary: AU After his father's death Harry is shocked by his mother's conduct.


**Disclaimer: **Sadly, I do not own Harry Potter. No money is being made and no infringement intended.

§1-5§ _flashbacks _

§§§ change of scene_  
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**Drowning in Honour**

Another sob clawed its way out of Lily's throat, watery green eyes trying futilely to bring the white washed walls of the hallway back into focus.

The hurried sounds of the emergency ward of the hospital reached her ears as if from far, far away. Everything felt surreal, like consciously dreaming a nightmare.

A touch at her shoulder brought her back from her thoughts.

"Keep strong, Lily. The healers here are some of the best in the world. There's a persistent rumour at Auror headquarters that the only thing they can't heal is an Avada Kedavra." Sirius tried to sound cheerful and optimistic, but he had seen the same thing she had.

Blood pooling in a wide puddle around a slumped body, pale white skin off-set by dark red rivulets flowing freely out of… Her mind shied away from the memory and she tiredly closed her eyes. It had been hours since they first entered the ward, Sirius carrying the rapidly cooling body, blood staining his shirt, arms and face.

"Why don't you go to the lounge and lay down for a bit? You're exhausted. I'll wake you as soon as there is word on his condition, promise."

Sirius was being so supportive and she hated herself for wanting to have someone else be with her at this moment. Still, she _needed_ to feel his warm, strong arms around her, his whispered reassurance that he would take care of her, would make everything be better again.

Nodding she turned around and walked down the hallway to the last door on the left. It was empty and quiet. The furniture looked comfortable and was kept in soothing, comforting blue and earth tones.

Her feet feeling like they were made out of lead, she staggered to one of the sofas and laid down on it. Her eyes closed immediately thereafter, her mind taking the chance to escape the burden of her knowledge, her blame.

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"_It's true then?" Never had she heard him use that tone of voice before and it hurt more than she was willing to admit._

_Staring straight into green orbs so akin to her own she replied snappishly: "I don't know what you are so upset about. Who I meet with and when is none of your concern, young man."_

_Taking her eyes off of him, she turned her attention back to the paperwork on her desk._

"_He's a good man, a good friend. Honestly I don't know what your problem is."_

_She heard him turn around and open the door._

"_My problem is that your husband's body hasn't been buried for three months yet and you are already letting another man court you."_

_Looking quickly up from her work, she only caught sight of his slender back before the door fell closed._

§_  
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"_What exactly do you want to imply, Sirius Black?" she demanded to know, green eyes spitting angry fire._

_The black haired Auror sitting across from her in her sitting room didn't bat an eyelash at her angry retort. He simply put his cup of tea down and surveyed her with searching, deep blue eyes._

"_Lily, I like you and I am glad that you have found someone else to be happy with again. What I am not happy about is your treatment of my godson." he didn't raise his voice, kept it as steady and cool as before._

_Still, Lily couldn't help feeling affronted._

"_How dare you? How dare you accuse me of mistreating my only child?" she spit back, her voice getting louder with every word._

_Sirius simply nodded and pointed out: "I guess that is exactly what I am talking about. Ever since the funeral your behaviour regarding Harry has become increasingly irrational. He told me that you won't even look at him anymore."_

_The tall wizard looked at the time and stood up._

"_Well, break time is over, I better get back to work. Thanks for the tea."_

_Turning around he added: "Please, think about it, Lily__. He's still only a kid and as much as I try to be there for him, the boy still needs his mother."_

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_It had been months since they had last talked, but she didn't think much of it. The boy was thirteen and had, true to his age, become increasingly rebellious and difficult to handle. She was glad that he spent most of the year at Hogwarts, where she didn't have to deal with him and his moods._

_Now it was summer and she was eager to spend it with the man she loved. Their relationship was still too new and fragile to burden it with a sullen teenage boy or the disapproving gossip of busy-body neighbours._

"_Sirius has agreed to take you in for the summer. I won't be back in time to see you off to Hogwarts, I'm afraid, but you're a big boy now, so it's alright."_

_She would have so much fun, touring Europe and Asia, she just knew it._

_Suitcase in hand, she walked to the door, throwing over her shoulder a hasty: "Sirius is currently on a mission and won't be able to pick you up for another week or so. The house-elves will take care of everything; just make sure not to destroy the house."_

_Then she was out of the door and the house that felt like a golden cage to her, filled as it was with remainders of her late husband. Some days it felt like the house tried it's best to make her feel guilty for having found a new love. Of course that was a ridiculous idea. The only one openly criticizing her was Harry. And now she wouldn't have to face his accusing eyes and insolent words for another couple of months. Thank god for Sirius._

§_  
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"_I don't know what your problem is, Harry, but it ends here!" Lily was furious. How dare the sullen child ruin what should have been a perfect Christmas dinner?_

_The boy didn't look up at her, lying still on his bed, face down, where he had fled to after the scene he had caused in the dining room._

"_How dare you speak to me in that tone in front of our guests? I would like to remind you that I am an adult woman, fully capable of coming to decisions on my own. I certainly do not need a thirteen year old with illusions of grandeur to tell me how to live my life!"_

"_It hasn't even been a year." came the strangled whisper from the bed._

"_What did you say?"_

"_Your husband hasn't even been dead for a year and you are already engaged to marry in six weeks."_

_There the little brat went again, accusing her of faulty conduct._

"_That's quite enough out of your mouth. I've had it with you. Pack your things; you're going back to Hogwarts."_

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_She twirled happily in her white robes, enjoying the way they billowed around her and the way they felt on her skin. Her red hair was coiffed into an elaborate braid, decorated with white flowers and small sapphires._

_Sapphires, just like the stone on her wedding bracelet would be._

_A giddy laugh escaped her at the thought that just she would be a married woman again in just another half an hour._

_There was a short knock on her door._

"_Come in." she called out merrily, wondering if her bridesmaids had come back from their errand so soon._

_She was surprised to see it was her son who entered the chamber. He was still wearing his black school robes, open; so that everyone could see the black on black clothes he wore beneath. With the black ribbon braided into his nowadays shoulder length hair the boy looked more like he was attending a funeral rather than a wedding._

"_What do you think you are wearing? The ceremony is starting soon, hurry and change." There it was again, the feeling of anger that encompassed her whenever they crossed ways since that disastrous Christmas dinner._

"_I will not shame my ancestors by being disrespectful, mother." Harry's voice had apparently changed since last she saw him, it was deeper than before, beautiful really, but she didn't much care for his cold, dispassionate tone._

"_You are disrespecting __**me **__and your new father by wearing these clothes." she replied heatedly._

"_Do not call him that." the boy told her, "I have only one father."_

_The cheek of that impossible child! She felt her hands tremble and knew she was dangerously close to loosing her composure, like always when dealing with her headstrong child._

"_If you can't be happy for us I don't want you to be there. Go home, I'll tell the guests you've fallen ill." her voice was just as cold as his now, disappointment and fury colouring her words. "I'll send Sirius over with some food when the ceremony is over. Maybe your godfather can talk some sense into you where I have continuously failed."_

_The boy simply nodded, like he had gotten proof of something at last, and leaving, called out a whispered: "Fare well, mother."_

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Lily woke to yet another hand gently shaking her shoulder. Groggily opening her eyes she cried happily when she came face to face with her husband.

"Severus!"

The man held her in his arms and stroke softly over her hair, still decorated with flowers and gems.

"I have sent the guests away. How is he?" he asked, worry lacing his voice.

She shook her head.

"I don't know, he's been in there for hours and the healers haven't said a word yet."

Just then, Sirius entered the room wearily, eyes focused on the ground, small tremors running through his frame.

"Has there been word?" she inquired hopefully, trying to shake off the bad feeling his appearance gave her.

Sirius swallowed hard, a couple of times, before telling her: "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

She cried out loud, falling limply back onto the sofa.

"He should have been able to recover despite the great blood loss, but his magic repelled their spells and potions."

Lily felt blackness creep into her vision.

"The wounds on his forearms are actually runes that were carved in to the bone. Preceding on the assumption that he himself put them there, added to the clothes he wore; it looks like he performed an old rite to restore the honour of his clan by offering his life-blood to his ancestors."

Suddenly it was difficult to breathe and the white noise in her head was replaced with snippets of the few conversations she had had with her son in the past year.

"_It hasn't even been a year."_

"_I will not shame my ancestors…"_

"_Fare well, mother."_

"What have I done?" she screamed, shaking off the hands that tried to calm her. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Harry. Please, come back, come back."

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"Did you hear?"

"What?"

"They say that Professor Snape's wife had to be obliviated because she couldn't bare the pain of loosing her first-born."

"Quiet! I do not tolerate tasteless gossip in my classroom." The rebuked first years ducked their heads, not wanting to meet the steely gaze of cold silver eyes they could feel burning into them.

"A rite of honour is not to be discussed by children," he continued his admonishment, "Especially not in front of family and friends of the decedent. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, Professor Malfoy."

The irate professor went back to his lecture, glad to have something take his mind off of the loss he still felt in his very bones.

Sometimes, deep in the night, he wondered if Harry would still be alive if he hadn't taught him the conduct of honour that old Wizarding families like the Malfoys, Blacks and Potters followed.

And then, he would think about the filthy mudblood that had no shame or honour, the way she had cruelly pushed her only child away after his father's death and knew that it had been inevitable.

**§ the end §  
**


End file.
